Posted by: dsduffy | November 5, 2013

Searching, hoping to find, I don’t even know what.


This particular yoga instructor is from New Jersey. I could tell right away from the way she pronounced “bagel” exactly the way my brother Dave did, more like “begel.” It made me smile. And then she was telling me to turn away from my thoughts, to focus on my breath, to be in the present. How could I possibly do that after she just said “begel” and now all that was on my mind was Dave. I didn’t want to turn away from my thoughts of him. Can’t there be an exception for this type of thought? It’s not like I was thinking about my to-do list, or about the kids, I was thinking about Dave, and his smile, and his laugh. It made me smile and I gave myself the OK to let those thoughts stick around.

As many times as I practice yoga (that’s what they call it – practice) I am unable to turn off my mind. I don’t know what the hell my problem is – I just cannot do it. I will keep trying though, just like I am trying to find what exactly I want to do with my life. I feel like a little mouse, going in and out of different spots, searching, searching for I don’t even know what. I’ve been all over the map. Teacher? Real estate? Yoga instructor (that one’s pretty amusing.) Personal trainer? Work at a clothing store? Write a book? Do nothing? (that one I seem to have down pat.) I feel so jealous of all the people who know what they want. Who know their passion. Who are good at something that can be a career or even just a job. I listen to the Oprah Network on Sirius radio, hanging on the words of Iyanla Vanzant, she is telling me something very important, if I just listen closely. Books on my kindle, songs on the radio, there has to be a message, a sign somewhere! Why can’t I see it? Will I ever figure it out?

So I go to yoga, I read “The War of Art” and I push on. It will come to me, right?

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